If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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