Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
