I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
