Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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