Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
