Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
