Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
