barbara walters just said penis...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
