you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
