It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
