woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I love having hate sex.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
