Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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