i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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