The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
