Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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