then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
