I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
