Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
