I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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