she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
