so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
