Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
