I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
