I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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