proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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