No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
