Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i love accidental penises.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
