glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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