those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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