I smell stomach acid.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
