sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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