we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
3 2 1 whiskey
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
