I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
