omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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