Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
