So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
