My room smells like vodka and shame
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
