I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
