Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
