My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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