We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
