Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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