I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
