Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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