So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
