i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
