Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
