This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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