he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
BRING THE BAGELS
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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