I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
false alarm. still invincible.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
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