Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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